Holiday's

As I look at this picture I can't help but think of Kaden. These past few weeks have been so tough for me. I was talking to Jacquie the other day and it is almost like we have shut off feelings. Good or bad, just going through the motions. I have had some angels here that have helped me these past few weeks and for them I am thankful. Christmas decorations were up and my house was clean even before I came home from the hospital the day Kaden died. (it's hard to type those 2 words) I could not get in the holiday spirit. We had the young women and a family that has also faced loss come carol to us and they were both amazing at adding to the spirit in our home. There have been meals, treats, phone calls, visits, and most of all prayers said on our behalf. We have had so many do so much for our family and especially Rusty and Jacquie. We have felt the arms of our Heavenly Father embrace us as we have try to get through this. The spirit has been so strong, the knowledge that we will see him again is there, the reasons are clear. But why doesn't that take away the pain I feel. I feel so empty. My heart aches for Jacquie and as her mom I want to take away her pain and can't. It was supposed to be our first Christmas. Toys, laughter, hopes and dreams. All gone. We opened presents that were under the tree for Kaden before he died. There was no laughter or fun. Replacing them were tears and sorrow. Instead of Kaden coming to visit us we went as a family to visit him. A new camera replaced the old one but the pictures will be forever lost. This pain will never go away, we will never forget, we will always remember him and the blessing he is to us. He was so special and he touched everyone who met him and even those he didn't. As a family we have been so blessed by such a little person. For 6 months we all stayed healthy so we could be around him and these past few weeks most of us have been sick. I've been in bed for a week as this sickness has made it's way around our house. I'm hoping I can return to work tomorrow. Being a grandma was a title I felt to young to have and now it is something I want more than anything. I miss my grandson, I miss my buddy. The holidays will forever be changed in our family. We will be grateful on Thanksgiving for all the Lord has blessed us with. We will be filled with love as we remember the birth of our Savior at Christmas. The New Year will bring change and hope. Somewhere in the middle of these holidays we will forever remember our Kaden and feel his loss and remember what a blessing he was to us. As I reflect on these things I have no bitterness or anger just emptiness and love. Healing is a process not a pity party and we will all go through it in our our own way...... Thank you all for the part you pay as I try to heal in my own way.

Now could those same angels come put my Christmas decorations away....